A Little Reprieve

I just looked up the word reprieve in the dictionary to make sure that I've spelled it correctly and that it is truly the word I was looking for. I've just spent the last 24 hours sans kids and husband...free to do whatever I've wanted to do (which hasn't been much honestly). So after viewing the definition of reprieve I'm not exactly sure if it is the most accurate word to describe my short break from real life. It means, "the postponement of a punishment; temporary relief, as from pain."

Is that how I see my family? As punishment? As inflicting pain? If I'm being honest, maybe sometimes. I think calling them punishment might be more dramatic than necessary. And to be fair, they might deem their choice of a wife and mother as "punishment" on certain days. Pain might also be overstating it slightly. But, I think that it would be dishonest not to admit that maintaining a marriage and parenting children is hard. It's definitely an endeavor that takes more effort and energy than anything I've ever done. It is truly a humbling experience.

Not that I would trade it for anything!! And I have great hope that I will look back on this time fondly...mostly because old people are constantly telling me that these are the best years of my life. That's a sobering thought on those days I'm wishing away...looking forward to a more sane, less demanding season. I have a feeling those days aren't coming, at least not in the way I'm thinking of them. Tomorrow will bring troubles of its own.

So my day of reprieve was a brief calm in the storm and chaos that my 3 boys (husband included) bring to my life. My accomplishments included picking up some groceries, gassing up the car, getting a haircut (a scary blog for another day), taking a bath and reading a book I've had for a few years and hadn't gotten around to. My floors still need mopping and my office piles are still beckoning...but I took a reprieve from that form of punishment (yes, I do consider paperwork to be painful!). They will be here tomorrow and so will my family...and life will go on in all its chaos and wonderfulness and maybe I'll still finish my book...

I'm so naughty at you!

This is Shrek's new cute, funny saying. He means, of course, that he is angry at you, but his version of the expression is also usually equally true. You see, when he is angry at you, he is also very likely to do something naughty to you in response, which he learned from his older brother. MJ didn't need anyone to teach him how to retaliate...it came very naturally...so I suppose Shrek would have learned all on his own too. MJ is learning how to control his retaliation. Shrek will come along in his own time. He would probably be doing better if MJ didn't give him so many opportunities to practice...you can only take so much. I'm a younger sister so take it from me. (Although I'm fortunate that my older brother didn't make me too naughty at him.)

OK, I've got some angry/naughty feelings brewing in the next room...not to mention some potential danger. With boys there's usually danger.

Gotta run...

My right to myself...

It seems that we've been faced with some fairly big decisions the past few weeks--not life or death, world changing, earth shattering ones, but decisions that will have a real impact on our family and others potentially. For example, we are contemplating the sale of some real estate that comes with less-than-ideal terms. We have also decided to find more affordable housing when our lease is up this summer so we are researching options for a local move. I am also considering whether or not to take on a leadership role in a local ministry that would require a significant amount of time and energy on a monthly basis. We are also looking for another source of income and trying to determine what would be best for our family. If Bo finds a per diem job in his field he could make way more money than I ever could for the same amount of hours. But it might be better for me to find something part time so that Bo can spend more time with the kids. Or it might make the most sense to stay home and start home day care...or find some combination. So many decisions to make.

There are pros and cons with each choice...most decisions involve some sort of risk or compromise. At times I feel paralyzed, unable to decide lest the consequences are too adverse or I end up failing or disappointing someone. But if I'm honest, a big factor as I weigh the choices is my own comfort or freedom or happiness. Yes, it's true, I do not wish to be inconvenienced or stifled or overly committed. My big ugly self (I don't mean that in the physical sense in case you are fearing that I have developed some sort of body image complex) wants what I want, when I want it without having to give up anything at all. My time (that's a big one), my space, my freedom, my flexibility, my stuff, ah yes, my stuff, it's all mine....so back off.

So all of this inner turmoil is bubbling up with each new fairly big decision we are facing. Decisions that feel hard, even though I should be able to look at them objectively, because I don't want to actually admit that I'd rather cling to my selfish desires than to do the right thing. But I'm admitting it now, right here on my blog for the whole world to read, if they so choose.

I've been reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers again and today's passage says, "'my right to myself' is the very essence of sin." Let's just affirm that if you don't wish to receive a swift kick to the rear end, then stay away from Oswald Chambers. But that about sums it up right? That is the inner turmoil I am experiencing. Sin is always so enticing and causes such angst to let it go. The hardest choices I ever make are really about whom I will choose. Will I fight to the death for the right to myself or will I let that part die and find out how to really live? This whole dying to self thing doesn't seem to get any easier. It's painful every time. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, "Dying to self actually feels like dying." (But the sweet freedom that comes, ah!)

But even as I struggle with this seemingly weighty stuff, I am confronted with the truth that my stuff pales in comparison to many others around me. A friend discovers after many months of illness that she contracted a disease over 20 years ago from a blood transfusion. Another friend's husband is deployed on a super secret mission. She knows not where or for how long, only that she is alone with 4 young kids for an unspecified amount of time. I choose to be thankful for my health...that I have a wonderful husband and two healthy kids. That I have a computer with high speed internet so I can stay connected with far away friends. For a cup of coffee and a quiet house on a Saturday afternoon. I have it really, really good. Don't ever let me convince you otherwise.

So the next time you hear me agonizing over a decision, feel free to ask me what selfishness is keeping me from doing the right thing? You can remind me to go ahead and kill it. You have my permission.

Blows my mind...

I'm not really a collector of things. Knickknacks don't do anything for me except create more dusting opportunities and trust me, I have plenty of those opportunities already being neglected. Shoes are nice, but no matter how many I end up with, I always fall back on a trusty pair or two that do their job day in-day out. Coins seem like a man's domain and I really can't be trusted with cash money lying around itching to be spent. Books might be the closest thing to a collection I have, but it seems as if my collection is constantly changing. They're more like a consumable product to me. Read one, lend one, borrow one, give one...they are hardly a collectors item.

The one thing I do tend to accummulate everywhere I go is friends. It's probably the middle child in me wanting to belong someplace, forcing strangers into my inner circle completely unsuspecting. Maybe it stems from a childhood fantasy started by reading too many Babysitters Club books that someday I would have a tight group that did everything together...best friends, business partners, neighbors....and I would be the president, the hub, connecting everyone together. In many ways I see myself trying to live out that fantasy everywhere I go. It never exists so I get busy creating it. In my real world I've amassed this amazing friend collection, if you can call it that. I feel like I have the distinct privilege of knowing some of the most beautiful, accomplished, intelligent, spirited, gifted, strong, hilarious, deep, motivated, caring people on the planet. And I call them friends...lucky me!

The problem is, I've never quite been the perfect "president of the club" of my childhood dreams. A collection of friends requires a bit more than the occasional "dusting" or sorting. My collection is alive and I am completely unable to be the "hub" that I would love to be. When I think about sending out Christmas cards and how many stamps it would take to mail even a yearly greeting to those I would want to greet, I feel overwhelmed (and broke). My kids can't stand it when I'm a "phone head" for too long so I hardly ever call people. Email increases my ability to stay connected these days, but I can't even maintain regular email contact with everyone in my life who has had an impact on me. The capacity of my heart for love far outweighs the capacity of my time to convey that love to those on whom I would want to pour it out. In short, I am a stinky friend and a far cry from any decent "club president."

As I contemplated this thought recently, it occurred to me that there is One who can keep track of far more "friends" than I could ever imagine. He knows what you all are doing and thinking all the time. He never forgets your birthday or your kids' names. He is never too busy to talk or off-line. His Christmas card doesn't require a stamp because he sent it once for all time. He is the perfect hub, holding all things together. He doesn't need to be the president because He's already the King. When I think about His capacity to be all that to all people at all times, it really blows my mind! I think about the small fraction of people I call friends or acquaintances (and I think it's a lot), and how impossible it is to stay connected deeply to everyone, I am even more amazed by the omnipotence and omnipresence of God. Really, don't you think it's absolutely unbelievable?!?

The Bible says that Jesus knew what the people around him were thinking..."knowing their thoughts...." It also says that God hears us, he knows our inmost thoughts, wherever we go he is there. All of us. All the time. Not just me and the people I know, but all of the people I have yet to meet and those I will never know. He is the real hub and that means I don't have to be. That's good. A relief actually. I can leave my notions of being the perfect president in the realm of fiction where they belong because if it's all resting on me to hold it all together, we're in big trouble!

Procrastination!!!

So I was going to do a "Year In Review" of our family...inspired by all of the wonderful Christmas letters we've been receiving. I even started it. But I got so overwhelmed by having to remember all that has happened in the last year and then even more overwhelmed about finding the time to sit down and write the whole thing. I've been procrastinating and, therefore, not blogging. Today I made the executive decision that I am scrapping the "Year In Review" and returning to my random posts which, although irregular, are not quite so irregular as the past 2 months. Sometimes even the best ideas need to be abandoned so as to make forward progress. Thanks for understanding!

Back from Buffalo

We are officially back from our long, full, wonderful trip to Buffalo. It was awesome to see friends and family and get a little taste of home. Thank you Mom & Dad for letting us descend on your homes and create mess and noise and general chaos. Thank you friends for hosting us and feeding us and bringing people together so that we could do more visiting and less running to and fro. It was awesome.

I only hope Bo can stay longer next time. We missed each other like mad and MJ said yesterday on our journey back to Nebraska that he didn't remember daddy. I assured him that he would recognize him in the airport as soon as he saw him...and he did, of course. I have a renewed appreciation for those women who are separated from their husbands who travel for work or the military or whatever takes them away. For boys especially, I think it's important to have regular wrestling time with dad...someone who can take them down a few pegs and remind them that they are little. MJ got a little too big for his britches a few times and I was really missing Bo's size and authority in the situation. I just think there's something about a dad that boys have to have.

OK, it's back to real life. I've got to get the bags unpacked and laundry started and assess the bare fridge situation. It was nice to have a break from my normal "duties," but I'm ready for the routine again.

Allthebody & The lost tooth

Shrek has coined yet another new expression. His version of the word "everybody," which shows that he understands the meaning of what he is saying, although not gramatically correct, is "allthebody." He usually uses the word in extreme expressions of emotions, for example, "I love allthebody." Or, lately, "I hate allthebody." Drama. Sometimes he says both phrases within minutes of each other. Such is the short lived mood swing of a toddler!

Shrek also understands the concept of a birthday and is really looking forward to his coming up. He often holds up 2 fingers and says, "I dis numbah." Then he carefully figures out how to put up another finger and says, "I gonna dis numbah." MJ thinks the Shrek needs to learn the actual names of the numbers so I encouraged him to teach him. We'll see how that goes.

In other kid news, MJ lost his first tooth tonight. He was wrestling with Bo and it just popped out. A complete shock! No weeks of wiggling or tying on strings and slamming doors. Just surprise! And despite MJ's recent development of the fear of blood, he was not traumatized, but seemed proud of his "grown up" status. Plus we told him to hold onto it so he can put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy. We put it in a special ring box and he asked for more clarification as to exactly where the tooth should go under the pillow. "Do I put it inside the pillow case?" he wanted to know. I told him to just make sure the tooth fairy can reach it easily.

This begs an important question. How much does the tooth fairy leave for a tooth these days? When I was a kid, she left a quarter. A quarter today just doesn't have the same buying power. So I'm wondering if the tooth fairy adjusts for inflation. I guess we'll find out tonight. But I'd be curious to hear what the tooth fairy leaves for your kids, if they've lost teeth recently (wink, wink).