New Year Reboot

Yes, I make New Year's Resolutions. Every year. More than one actually, but they are all the same resolution really. Conventional wisdom says that you should just focus on one thing because you are more likely to stick with it. You can count on me to buck convention. I don't care what works. I want to pretend that this year I will finally become the well-organized, disciplined, productive, healthy, physically fit, highly spiritual, well-read, debt-free, immaculate housekeeper and basically perfect person I've always wanted to be.

Don't laugh.

So I sit down and write down goals. Our church has this thing called the Personal Growth Plan and I used to have to write one every year because I was on staff. Here's a link to it, if you want to see the example:

http://www.cccomaha.org/resources/docs/newsfeed/PGP2012.pdf

So I write down all kinds of stuff on there about how great I'm going to be at the end of the year.

By the end of the year, I pretty much feel like a complete failure because I'm not really how I imagined. BUT...then I look at my Personal Growth Plan from last year and realize that I actually did some of that stuff.

Let me give you an example. A few weeks ago I put all of our financial accounts in to Quicken (because we have some financial goals we need to work on so add that to my list). When I looked at our liability column I felt completely crushed and defeated. I started to think that those student loans will never go away. But then I went back to my Personal Growth Plan and one of our goals last year was to sell off our rental properties in Buffalo. By the amazing grace of God, we did. Gone. All of them sold, which is another story altogether. We didn't focus on paying down debt because we realized that we first needed to cut our losses and stop the bleeding. Then I think back to how much time and energy it took to accomplish this from afar. The phone calls, the stress, the spending half of our vacation to Buffalo working, the drama all took their toll. Now that it's over, we can move on and tackle other financial goals.

So I start the New Year hopeful.

Two years ago I committed to develop the habit of memorizing scripture in my Personal Growth Plan. For the first 6 months of the year I did nothing. Then I remembered that I had wanted to do this so I asked my mentor if she would help me--basically by giving me a weekly deadline so I would force myself to do it because while I don't seem to mind letting myself down, I really don't like letting other people down. I know, I really should have more respect for myself, but I'm just being honest about how I roll. I need lots of accountability or I will completely derail.

So this wicked smaaahht lady starts memorizing a few verses every week with me and now, a year and a half later, I feel amazed at what we've accomplished. Not that I want to be a walking Bible Dictionary, but I can tell you that this has become one of the best spiritual disciplines for helping me change. It's like God's voice infiltrating my soul. God's voice is waaaaay better than mine, let me tell you. If you really knew what my voice said half the time you'd really support my decision to replace that with something better.

There's some stuff on there that didn't even come close to happening. I started out great, but something happened and I fell off the track. Like exercising 10 minutes/day. It sounded so easy. Only 10 minutes a day! I was terrible about doing this. So I look at that and realize that exercising at home is a losing battle for me. I'm too distractible and can think of a million other things to do besides exercise. This year I joined a gym and had been going until the whole foot mole thing. (And by the way I feel like CRAP when I don't exercise so I'm motivated to start back up as soon as I can!)

I like to think of my New Year's Resolutions as an annual reboot. I like to start fresh and go hard after all of my goals all at once. The beauty of this for me is that I'm kind of an all-or-nothing person so let's say I only pick one thing. Let's call that thing "exercise." And let's say that something happens like I have stitches on the bottom of my foot and can't exercise for 10-14 days. If that was my only resolution I would be done. I would probably wallow in my failure and give up right then and there. (I was kind of sad and despondent for a few days, but that also could have been my period talking.)

Instead, I shift gears and work on other things like my goal of writing regularly and my goal of extreme grocery savings, which included reorganizing my pantry so that I know what we have and get better at using things up, and my goal of reading through the Bible in a Year, and my goal of calling my grandmas regularly.

Now that I think about it, if I ever get to the end of the year and feel satisfied that I have arrived, it's probably time to check out of this place and go live in glory. So for now I'm satisfied to be in process and achieving small victories and figuring out what my purpose is this year and even just today. So go ahead and reboot with me...we'll probably crash sometime this year, but maybe a few of our files will be recovered and we'll still have something to work with.

Found this quote and had to add it:

‎"I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am."
... John Newton (1725-1807)

When English Sounds Like Chinese

One of my biggest fears about raising kids in Nebraska is that they would grow up to be racist. It drives me crazy when people refer to anyone from a South American country as "Mexican." I think my Nebraskan brother-in-law used to say stuff like that just to ruffle my feathers, but because of his antics I became completely convinced that a long stay in this homogenous white-bread country would result in ignorance.

Here's where this fear originates. I grew up in homogenous white-bread rural New York. I had almost no exposure to anyone of a difference race or ethnic heritage besides my Peruvian cousins who came to visit every few years. Even then, I was so ignorant that I thought Peruvians look Asian (because their mom has Japanese roots). It's not that I wanted to be racist, I was just totally in the dark, which led to one of the most embarrassing questions I've ever asked in my life.

When I got to college I lived on a floor of a dorm called McLlu, which stands for the Multi-cultural Living Learning Unit. This was a special living community that you had to apply to live in. Well, that year, it turned out, no one applied to live there so the RA's made phone calls to incoming freshman to see if we wanted to live in McLlu. The reason we all said yes is that living on West Campus was supposedly the best so opting in to this dorm was a way to jump the lottery system and guarantee a spot on this coveted green.

I'm not sure how they selected people to call and ask about this living arrangement, but it seemed to me that they picked out weird names and went from there. None of us was particularly gung-ho about everyone living in harmony together regardless of race, country of origin or sexual identity. We were just kids away from home for the first time trying to make friends.

One of my first friends was a magnetic guy from New York named Aravind. I had never heard this name before so I had no idea what kind of name it was. Aravind was brown and had a weird name and being from New York I couldn't pinpoint his heritage by asking the question "Where are you from?." So in the spirit of embracing our multi-culturalness I asked him, "What are you?" (This is not the embarrassing question...just wait for it.) He said, "Indian."

I knew about Indians because I grew up a few miles from the Indian Reservation, but I knew enough to know that it wasn't cool to call yourself an Indian anymore...you were "Native American." So to show my cultural sensitivity I asked the clarifying question, "Oh, like Native American?"

"No," he replied ever so graciously, "like from India, Indian."

My face went beet red. I was totally mortified and embarrassed. I had never before in my life met anyone of Indian descent and I had just made it known that I was a cultural ignoramus. Aravind, being the gentleman that he was, excused my stupidity and we remained friends. If he were still alive I would ask him if he remembered this conversation and we would probably have a good laugh about it.

That conversation fuels my desire to spare my children the embarrassment of accidental racism...or cultural insensitivity...or making weird assumptions about people's heritage because of skin color.

As it turns out, I really can't spare them because it must be some kind of human nature thing or some weird curiosity thing that they inherited from me. They are guilty of making assumptions despite my best efforts to help them grow up a little more informed than I was.

Yesterday, I took them to the dermatologist who is very American sounding with obvious Asian roots. She talks a mile-a-minute and reminds me of my fast-talking younger sister in a way. Well, they didn't say or ask anything embarrassing in her hearing, but at home one of the kids said that she talked so fast she sounded Chinese.

What?!

"She did not sound Chinese!" I defended.

"Well," he backpedaled, "she sounded like she had an accent."

OK, if you spoke to this woman on the phone, you would not detect an accent. I mean, maybe she didn't grow up in Nebraska, the accent-less capital of the world as identified by West Communications, but other than being a fast-talker I could not begin to identify any accent whatsoever.

So I'm pretty sure that my kids just thought that she looked like she should have an accent. What is up with that?!?

It's not that I don't want my kids to be curious, it's just that I don't want them to offend anyone or make assumptions about people that aren't true (like she speaks Chinese because she looks Asian). I'm not quite sure how to teach that concept, other than to just say, "Just because someone looks Asian does not mean they speak Chinese." I want to teach them how to ask honest questions without offending.

So my friends with weird names or brown skin, please teach me how to teach this to my children in a way that does not offend you. It's too late for me to remove my giant foot from my mouth, but maybe they still have a chance.

Life Interruptions

There's a part of me that feels pretty spontaneous and able to go-with-the-flow. I rank high in the Adaptability personality trait. That's why I can live the crazy life I have working from home and living at work. (Saying that I live at work makes it sound really weird, but that is, in fact, what I do.) I love reacting to new things and solving problems on the fly. That is also what made me really suited for Children's Ministry. Every Sunday was different. No one RSVPs for church and volunteers get sick from time to time. Expect the unexpected is pretty much the story of my life and work.

Every strength has a corresponding weakness right? So here's the thing I'm terrible at: Routines. Some people are great at setting up and sticking to a plan. I am working on this. One of my many New Year's Resolutions is to start exercising right? Well, I've been doing pretty awesome (for me). I've gone to the gym four times a week for the past two weeks. I know, I know, two weeks is pathetic. Just pathetic. But if you knew how hard this is for me you would be congratulating me like crazy.

I also know it takes 30 days for something to become a habit. So I'm halfway there right?! Yes! But here's why I'm scared--I've had a life interruption! It's not a big one (at least I don't think it is as long as all the test results come back OK). Finally, at age 35, I went to the dermatologist for a mole scan. I say finally because I'm so mole laden I once had a 4-year-old tell me that my face looks like a tortilla. (Actually, she said her 2-year-old brother wondered why my face looks like a tortilla because at age 4 she already realized that you probably should blame your brother for a comment like that.) My OB/GYN found a mole once that has never seen the light of day and asked if it has changed at all. Um, seeing that I would need to be a contortionist to track that information I would reply that I have no idea. So yes, I am a great candidate for an annual mole scan, it's just taken me a few years to schedule it because for some reason they don't let spontaneous people like me just walk in when you feel like it and have a minute.

So today was the day and I really just thought they'd have a look around and tell me that we should keep an eye on some of them, but NO, she wants to slice a few off right then and there (how's that for spontaneity Miss fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants?). It just so happens that one of them is on the bottom of my foot, one is on my shoulder and the other one is none-of-your-beeswax, thank you. What this means is that I have a free-pass not to exercise for a week or two because I can't run, I can't lift and I can't swim because I have stitches.

Normally, I love any excuse not to exercise, but not when I've recently made a commitment to not make excuses not to exercise! What is the deal?! (And what is the deal with that last sentence? It's like a quadruple negative--I'll let you do the math and hope it makes sense.) Anyway, this is the kind of thing that could derail me for the next 5 years. I can almost hear myself saying, "Exercise? Yeah, I tried that once, but then I had this mole removed and then I just never got back into it." See? I am that distractible.

But I really honestly don't think that anyone lives an interruption-free life. (Do you? Please tell me if you do so that I can stand corrected.) I'm just thinking that this is my first test of the year. What happens when my new routine gets derailed? What am I going to do with that set-back? Will I give up and check out? Or will I get back on the horse and ride again? I know I am a get back on the horse kind of girl at heart because as a kid I actually did have a horse that was wild and I got bucked off...a lot...and I always got back on. Every time.

So I'm going to enjoy some time off and blog or catch up on some reading and in a few weeks I'll see you at the gym!

Top 10 Reasons I Love My Job!

This week I worked at our main office for a day and a half and it was just enough to remind me what an awesome job I have working from home (and while I'm out and about with my cell phone). First, I have to give props to all my working mom friends who get to the office day after day, week after week and keep things going at home. I admire your organization and time management skills and the amount of energy you have. A day and a half was enough to make me feel like my world was falling apart so I'm not quite sure how you do it.

There's a part of me that loves the environment of an office, the social interaction, the feeling of productivity and contributing to the team, but despite all that I had to politely decline the offer to jump in full time. Getting a glimpse of what I am missing makes me so grateful to have what I have. I recognize that not everyone would like to do what I do, but here's why I do it...

1. No commute. Man, it stinks to watch that gas gauge plummet so quickly each day eating up all your earnings. The time and money I save by cutting this out of my life--huge.

2. Less rush in the morning. I am not a morning person so I love just focussing on one thing at a time..it helps me feel less stressed. Since I don't have to don high heels or do my hair to be presentable for an office, I can get the kids ready and out the door and worry about my own self later (which on days when I'm cleaning means much later--why get gussied up just to get all sweaty and gross in someone else's mess?).

3. The great work/home mingling of tasks. This one probably would drive a lot of people crazy and sometimes it's not great for me (like when work interrupts my family time--the other night, for example, when I had to clean up a flood at 9:30 at night). However, I recognize that my personal life interrupts my work life way more often than the other way around. I love that while I'm making phone calls I can do laundry or pick up the place or load the dishwasher--none of which gets done while I'm at the office.

4. Eating at home. This one is a big deal. It takes time to cook dinner--not just the prep but the cooking time and the planning time and the shopping time. Because of our evening schedule, we have to eat early (we're like senior citizens). If I worked out of the home, we'd be doing take out...a lot. It doesn't always work out for me to fix a home cooked meal every night...I do actually work at home, but those interruptions are the exception, not the rule. One of the reasons I make this a priority is that I like cooking. Someone else might say that they like working from home because they can keep their house dusted. My house will probably always have dust and I'm OK with that.

5. Smaller wardrobe. It's not that I like wearing the same outfits over and over, but doing so really saves money and time. Most of the time no one even sees me so I do not have to dress to impress.

6. Being home for the kids. I love that I get to pick my kids up from school. I love that I am not stressed when they are home sick. I love winter break and summer break and not having to take time off from work or having to pay for day care. This actually should be #1. That is totally the reason I do this job.

7. Working at the office really cuts into my blogging time. The nature of my job is that I do what I need to do to keep the place full and clean and maintained. After that, they pay me to wait around for something to happen: someone to stop by or call looking for an apartment, a delivery, a vendor needs to be let in, a maintenance emergency, someone has a question or need I should respond to, etc. If nothing happens, I get paid anyway. Stuff used to happen all the time. I worked very hard to get to the point where stuff doesn't happen as much. When stuff doesn't happen, I blog.

8. Most of my income is not taxable. I know that's a weird thing to like about your job, but when you consider how much of your income goes to taxes, it's kind of a nice benefit. Of course, it's a little disconcerting how much less I make now than before I had kids, but if I don't compare myself to my ivy-league educated peers, I really don't care. And if I compare myself to what I used to make as a full-time, stay-at-home mom then my little salary looks pretty good. Free rent is a huge savings to our family and that is money in the bank...well, not really in the bank, but money to pay our student loans, which is a good thing for us.

9. I can work anywhere. This has more to do with the invention of the cell phone than anything. When I first started and they asked me if I wanted my calls to go to my cell phone or home phone that was a no-brainer. As long as I have that little puppy, I can work at the store, at the park, at the pool, at the gym, at my kids' school, wherever! So if someone calls and needs me, I say, "OK, I'll be there in 5 minutes." Snazzy. It's not convenient to be interrupted, but who gets to volunteer at school during the work day?

10. I have learned to be alone. I don't always like this. Being alone does not fit my personality, which is why I love Facebook--it makes me feel like I am interacting with people when I can't actually interact with people. I used to feel really lonely and isolated working from home. People energize me so I can get kind of lazy and depressed if I isolate too much. So far, this is not looking like a positive so let me get to the good part. The down side of my extroversion is that I can fill my life with people and activity to the point that I never experience silence and solitude. Without silence and solitude, no matter how "filled up" I am by people, I will never be filled up by God because I can't hear the still small voice He uses to speak to me. This becomes super obvious to me when I have zero silence and solitude for an entire summer when the kids are home. My soul starts to shrivel and I have no peace. Being alone has been very, very good for my soul.

OK that's my list. It's not in order. I realize that some of the stuff could be combined, but then it would not be a top 10 list so work with me here. I truly hope that you can take some time to reflect on the benefits of your job. I find being grateful to be good for my attitude (like when I have to do the really stinky parts of my job). Rejoice today in your lot in life!

"Before" Photos

Today I thought it would be fun to load my "before" pictures from a few years ago when Bo and I were going to do P90X to get in shape. There are no "after" pictures because we didn't last all that long. We couldn't figure out a place to put a pull up bar in our apartment and then people moved in downstairs from us and we felt bad doing all that jumping around on their heads at 6:00am. I know, I know, excuses, excuses. We have a lot of them. But this picture is what I'm talking about. Maybe I don't have a lot of muscle definition and maybe I have some extra skin around the belly from bearing two children, but I look at the "before" picture and I think, "If I am exercising to see a great impact on my body then there's going to be a lot of pain for not much gain."

So maybe I will write my before statement and post it on the fridge. Something like...

When I don't exercise I feel...

Tired

Weak

Cranky

Sluggish

Lazy

Like a bear could overtake me in 5 seconds flat

In 90 days I will rewrite my statement. I hope it says...

Energized

Strong

Cheerful

Quick

Motivated

Fast as a cheetah for one minute

The Downside of Skinny

I am already anticipating the scathing comments I could receive just by saying there is one problem with skinniness. Kind of like that article I read on Yahoo about how living on $50,000 a year is like living on minimum wage because you have to pay for dry-cleaning and massages because it's so stressful. Actually, I'm pretty sure that by the end of writing this, I will hate it myself so just relax and let me get it out. This is my free therapy, remember?

Lest you think me a total whiner, allow me to disclose some of the enormous benefits of being skinny:

1. Finding good stuff left on the clearance rack.

2. I don't have to count anything when I eat. This is a big deal for someone like me who has a hard time keeping track of things. Weighing things, counting calories, points or carbs would really stress me out.

3. Fitting into awesome hiding spots in hide & seek.

4. No problem squeezing into tight spots at work (like when I have to clean behind refrigerators and washing machines--super handy).

5. Sitting in the middle seat on an airplane causes me no stress.

6. People make all kinds of positive assumptions about me, even if they aren't true.

I'm sure there are endless benefits of being skinny, but it's #6 that I would like to address today. While I find it a definite benefit that people automatically assume that I am energetic and hard working and athletic, none of these are particularly true of me. Believe me, I like being given the benefit of the doubt. I would much rather have people start out with a positive assumption rather than my friends who are actually energetic, hard working and athletic (or at least in decent shape...I'll explain what I mean by that in a minute), being assumed that they are lazy and undisciplined because of their build.

Don't say you are free from stereotyping. Even kids do it. One boy announced to his class at school that I teach him basketball. Mind you, there is no way I have ever taught him one single thing about basketball because I, in fact, know nothing about it. It's actually my husband who teaches kids about basketball. All I do is stand next to him looking like I could play basketball and it works some kind of Jedi mind trick on them. ("Ooh. She's skinny and above average height for a woman, she must be a basketball player.")

Ok, ok, you might be one of those skinny people who worked really hard to become so and you'd like to take credit for it. That is fabulous and I applaud you. But not every skinny person is self-made. Some of them were born and, by the grace of God, are not subject to a struggle with weight and food. That would be me. But let me tell you that I battle the demons of laziness, discipline and self-control all the time. You just can't see it. (And let me clarify that I do not believe that all fat people are lazy, undisciplined and lack self-control--that's NOT what I mean. Sheesh, I know I'm getting myself into big trouble on this one.)

Before I dig a hole too deep to ever climb out of, let me just get to the point. Here's the downside, for me, of being skinny:

I have no motivation to exercise.

OK, I know what you are thinking, "Really, that's your downside?"

Yes, that's it. Believe me when I say that I am flattered when people look at me and assume that I am a runner, but I would much rather be a runner because then I could run without sucking wind so hard I think I'm going to pass out. Truth is, just because you're skinny does not make you in shape.

If I were being chased by a hungry animal I could out run it for about 5 seconds. I'd like to increase that to at least a minute or so just so that I would have time for my life to flash before my eyes before the thing chews open my jugular. Call that the weirdest fitness goal you've ever heard, but that is my goal.

Now my sister thinks you can't really be fat and in shape. Her theory is that you can be fat and strong but not really fit. I tend to disagree. I know plenty of overweight people who could outrun me any day, and they could definitely beat the crap out of me (and I don't mean by sitting on me). And they are way more disciplined about exercising than I am. I am skinny but not fit. My sister also tells me that she would rather be skinny and out of shape than fat and in shape. I totally agree, BUT what about being skinny and in shape? Wouldn't that be the best?

OK so what I just figured out is that there really is no downside to being skinny, all that is for me is a really lame excuse to be lazy in the area of exercise. I mean, just because my goal is not weight loss, does not mean I can't have other goals.

So here are my 2012 motivations for exercise:

I would like to participate in a friendly game of soccer without having to play goalie the whole time because I can't keep up with my super athletic husband and children. Ok that one will probably never happen. Scratch that. I need to keep my goals realistic.

I would like to not throw my back out when giving my kid a piggy back ride to his room.

I would like my backside to not jiggle. Hey--just because there's not a lot there does not make it any less jiggly.

I would like more energy and to be less crabby. I've heard that regular exercise helps with these things. Wouldn't my family just love it if I did not throw the regular hormonal temper tantrum? I think so.

I would like to out-run a wild animal for one minute before I die.

These are the things I will train for. I have found my motivation.

Darn it. Now my title is trash, but I can't change it now because "finding my real motivation to exercise" is a super lame title for a blog. Oh well, leave your scathing comments below. I'm ready for them.