I Don't Want To!

Bo asked me the other morning why I haven't been writing recently. Roy suggested that I just don't know what to write about. I thought about it for a second and instead of taking the easy out by agreeing with him, I decided to confess my real reason. If I can't tell my family the truth, who can I tell?

I do know what to write about. These last few weeks I've been going through a kind of internal struggle. Heart level stuff that has been kind of festering and needs to be dealt with. One of those seasons where God is doing surgery on an old wound.

I know exactly what to write about, but here's the truth--I don't WANT to!

I wish I were an expert at something. Then I could write about that thing with confidence. But I'm not. I am one of those people who only acts like I know things, but really, I only know a little bit about a few things. I can't write from a position of authority.

The only thing I know anything about is what goes on in my own heart and mind. These are the things I write about because that's all I've got. But when I discover an ugly truth about the state of my heart and mind, I'd really rather not talk about it. I'm too fragile to be a writer.

So I've been holding back and holding out. I say that God is healing things, but I know that the real healing will come as I peel the bandages off and let the light in. And I know that writing about my journey will help me sort it out...it always does. Right now I'm not sure where to even begin so I'm beginning by explaining my absence. It's OK if you didn't notice I was missing.

Here's my promise to myself---I will keep writing--even if I don't want to. I will sort out the ugly heart stuff and share and trust that God knows how fragile I am and will not let me shatter to pieces...or if I do shatter to pieces, he will glue me back together!

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